Life coach

Stunned silence. I sat there in stunned silence. Sure, I know commercialism is out of hand and has been for quite some time, but this is big n’ tasty bullshit. Wait, let me back up.
I made myself a cup of green tea and settled in to check my Email. A few jokes from friends, nothing worth passing along, but mildly amusing. Then, taking a sip of tea, the spam folder caught my attention. Amazing: 3,500 emails in my "Known Spam" folder. I take another sip and decide that I have to go for it. I have to see what’s in there. What kind of sick shit is in there? You know the feeling; you’ve been there.
Pretty pedestrian and predictable at first. Apparently, dicks are big business: Cialis, Viagra, add 3 inches to your dick if you take these pills, and then it moved on to credit card offers, mortgage rates, some poor bastard thinks I am going to send him $400 so he can get $4 million out of a bank in Swtizerland. You get the picture. You’ve been there. Then, it happened. Shared Vision Network. I didn’t have any idea either. As it turns out, it’s life coaching. Life coaching.
Well, shit. There is someone out there who has life all figured out? That might have been important to know. There is someone out there who can teach me how to live my life, teach me how to show other people how to live their lives–and I get paid for it? That seems worth knowing. A little angst? Call your life coach. A little uncertainity? Call your life coach. Life just generally fucked up? Call some certified smooth talking prick to make you feel better about your fucked up life. Don’t you feel better?
Sure, I know commercialism is out of hand, and has been for quite some time, but this is big n’ tasty bullshit. It’s bad enough that subjective things such as beauty and intelligence all come neatly vaccuum packed for our slavish consumption. What am I talking about–beauty and intelligence? Everything is subject to be rendered down to a good or service that we consume to take us one step closer to perfection. Right? Just a little slick marketing and you will be the most popular person in school if you will just buy these $200 pair of jeans that give us all a little peek of your thong. Or maybe, just maybe, the crack of your ass. Or, if said ass should be spelled F-A-T instead of the more complimentary P-H-A-T, we have a pill for that. Fuck, there are now jeans that wll disguise your fat ass as a phatass. Don’t you feel better? Or how about you have a bad day and you come home and slip into a Xanax trance? Don’t you feel better now that you are one step closer to perfection? Pecs a little small? Smothered abs? Sit on this needle. Don’t you feel better now that you are one step closer to perfection? Don’t you feel better now that you have purchased your perfect body? Now, you can buy your perfect life. Just buy a life coach. A life coach will have all of the answers to the difficult situations that arise in your life.
Listen: Fuck life coaching. And fuck making a buck off someone’s angst and uncertainity.The same angst and uncertainty that we all have. Seriously, fuck that. Reprehensible and hypocritical doesn’t even begin to describe the person who engages in that sort of P.T. Barnum bullshit. But nevermind that.
We have to stop giving other people, and ideas, authority over our lives. Hell, authority is just some idea anyway. You want freedom? There it is. Personal responsibility. No one has authority over your life. You decide what it is you’re going to be. What you are going to do. Seriously, social conventions and social codes of dress and behavior is all busllhit anyway. Just opinions of the mundane. Do what you do and live a moral and ethical life. The bullshit will take care of itself.
Now, don’t you feel better?
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